Have you ever asked yourself? What am I doing here and how did I get here?
I have asked myself this on many occasions. A few years ago I found myself in the wrong place for my career, for my health, for my relationships and for my family. I had lost myself. I didn’t know what I was going to do, but I knew I wasn’t going to do that. After I left that job, without another one, I was full of fear and anxiety. I began a journey to figure out how I arrived at that spot. At what point did I veer off the path and let others tell my story. When did I exit my own stage to let people define me and my role? I lost who I was and what I suppose to be. One step on this path was to meet with other women to learn their stories. I have met with countless women over 5 years and asked many of the same questions. What I found is that YOU ARE NOT ALONE my dear friends. We share similar stories and the theme of resiliency rang true as we rebuild, refocus, and revive.
DO NOT FEAR is mentioned 365 times in the Bible. Why was I so full of fear and uncertainty? Because, I had lost my confidence, my habits were amiss, and I did not fully grasp the Armor of God. So, I began a quest to renew, reinvent and refocus my life. And that led me to a deeper understanding of resiliency. I spent countless hours talking to other women. Many of them had experienced death of a spouse, lost career, divorce, financial debt, and many simply experiencing the challenges life gives us. I found a few common themes of resilient women. Those are:
• Confidence
• Positive Habits
• Living the Armor of God
Rebuild, Refocus, Reinvent, Renew, Recycle, Resilient, Refresh
I ask you to look at these words and see what they mean to you. You see I am obsessed with the prefix RE. The Greek translation means MADE NEW!!!! WOW. The etymology for this word is anew, undoing, once more.
How do these words make you feel?
I was raised by a tough group of women and have been fortunate to have friends that have modeled great resiliency. My friends have overcome cancer, addiction, death of a spouse, lost job, wayward child, and I am humbled by their courage. We all need a village. We need others to pull us up from the valley, to walk along beside us and we need our faith, to fully don the armor of God. It wasn’t until I found myself in dark valleys did I start to understand the grit, the village and the resiliency I needed to climb out.
Resiliency is not just a moment in time it is a time of moments. It is a character trait that we can learn. It is not just bouncing back it is about having the grit to rally forward. I am not talking about just the big setbacks, the lost job, broken relationship, I am talking about the curve balls that hit us. The untrue rumors, the disrespect, the negative words said about you. Fill in the blank here. How we shine as a bright light is what makes us resilient. How are we gritty through these moments? How do we persevere with a strong sense of character and passion as we walk on the path to our best self?
What challenges/setbacks did you have in the last year? Did you start a new job, divorce, move, lose someone you love or did the heaviness of the world fall on you?
Label them – how did you handle them? Who was involved and what were they telling you? What habits did you use when addressing the issue?
Describe the valley. Then describe the mountaintop. How did you feel at the top? Did you learn from the situation and what tools will you use next time?
Here are the traits I have seen in confident women.
Confident Women:
• Admit their flaws,
• Say NO,
• Listen,
• Do not conform,
• Ask for help,
• Own their feelings
• Release guilt.
For the Spirit God gave us does not make us timid, but gives us power, love and self-discipline. 2 Timothy 2:7
Confident women admit their flaws.
We are not perfect, but we are perfectly made.
My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness. Therefore,
I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses. 2 Corinthians 12:9
After years of trying to be the best mom, I had a few epiphanies with our two amazing daughters where I finally said “this is me – and this is what I am good at and this is what I am not good at doing. I will continue to be the best I can BE and there are some things I will not change because it is who I am.” From the movie Greatest Showman,
“I am brave, I am bruised, I am not scared, I make no apologies…this is ME.”
NOTICE I said AND not BUT. And is my way of saying I OWN IT – BUT is the preposition for an excuse.
God perfectly made us – we do not need to defend ourselves to humans, we need to use our talents – knowing what they are and what they are not.
Confident Women Say no. No is a full sentence.
Matthew 5:7 reminds us let your yes be yes and your no be no.
Proverbs 3:5 Trust in the lord with all your heart and lean not unto your own understanding …he will direct your paths.
You are full of skills, expertise and experiences which can help people, organizations. Maybe you received a call to chair an event at your kids school. Maybe you were asked to take on a new responsibility. Trust your gut. NO is a full sentence.
What are you doing today to honor yourself – your talents, your time?
Confident Women listen.
James 1:19 Be quick to listen and slow to speak
I need to be so much better at this. I hide my phone when I am on zoom, in a meeting, with my family, when my girls, my sister, niece, or mom, call me and I am at home, I stop go to my favorite chair and just sit!!!
Confident Women don’t conform.
Do not conform but BE transformed by the renewing of your mind. Romans 12:2
I have found it is better to walk alone going the right direction, then be in a crowd going the wrong direction. How often are you in traffic and maybe you just start following the person in front of you – they are going in another lane so you should too right?
Would you rather be wrong with the crowd or right by yourself?
What does that look like? Putting your phone away at night? Ignoring gossip and small talk? What does transformation look like to you?
Confident Women ask for help
Ask, and it will be given, seek and your will find, knock and it will be opened. Matthew 7:7
I am not saying we get all we want but we get all we need by God’s standards. I am saying with full confidence that God will answer you if you ask, seek, knock and trust.
Do you have a personal “board of directors?” Who are the 3-5 people that you trust to help you navigate decisions, the ones you lean on for honest insight, advice, the one that will not only tell you those jeans don’t fit but will tell you your strengths and weaknesses? Go to them with the big decisions and for honest answers.
Confident Women own their feelings
I will praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Psalm 139:14
How do you communicate on your best day? On your worst day?
How do you feel about what is happening around you and can you articulate that in a meaningful way that matches YOU. not something you have read or heard.
It’s ok to be sad, to be mad, to be confused, - own it and decide what steps you need to take to own and communicate your feelings.
Confident Women release guilt
As far as the east is from the west so far has God removed our transgressions. Psalm 103:12
We all sin in big and small ways and God will always forgive us. We are flawed and broken and it is ok to not be OK. We are wonderfully made.
OH friends, how do we do this? I saved this for last because I am not an expert and I need work in this trait. There are experts who can help you if guilt overwhelms you. And it has taken me years to fully come to terms with my guilt regarding a family member I love dearly. While I am not fully equipped to give you advice, I can tell you 3 things I did that saved me: Prayer. Journal. Communicate. When guilt comes a knocking I pray in the car, cooking dinner, walking, everywhere!!! I journal every morning. It is my way to BE free, grateful and thoughtful. Communicate. I had to talk about how I was feeling, BECAUSE I will tell you the only thing I know for certain, is having an authentic, crucial conversation with that person you love is what you CAN do. And I am always an advocate to seek expert advice. Therapists, counselors, trained and skilled professionals are God’s hands and feet and ready to assist when we ask.
HABITS
What does this have to do with resiliency? Everything
When setback hit you, do you blame, make excuses, react or do you respond?
The connection to resiliency is this: how do respond when challenges hit us? Are we using our strengths, being confident and courageous? What are the habits we employ when something hits us?
I am able to do all things through Him who strengthens me. Philippians 4:13
Bad habits are hard to break and good ones are hard to stick with. Decisions determine destiny so choose well. There are expert books that I encourage you to consider as you think about your habits. Please consider any of these to learn more from experts.
James Clear, Atomic Habits
Charles Duhigg, Power of Habit
A habit is simply a behavior repeated enough times to become automatic. Small improvements accumulate into remarkable results. Habits are the compound interest of self-improvement. The same way that money multiplies through compound interest, the effects of your habits multiply as you repeat them.
Are you allowing yourself to become 1% better every day. How are your goals and systems driving you? Goals are about the results you want to achieve. Systems are about the processes that lead to those results. Goals are good for setting a direction, but systems are best for making progress. The purpose of setting goals is to win the game. The purpose of building systems is to continue playing the game. You don’t rise to the level of your goal, if you fall to the level of your systems.
If you want more about habits reach out to me via my website or social and I will share more details and tools.
ARMOR of God
Ephesians 6:10-18 Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. Put on the full armor of God, so that you can take your stand against the devil’s schemes. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.
“Therefore, put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace.
“In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God. And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the Lord’s people.” (Ephesians 6:10-18)
BE Strong in the lord and his mighty power. Donning the full armor of God protects and gives us strength. Let’s talk about the symbols from above and how I have applied them to my situations for resiliency.
• Belt of truth
• Breastplate of righteousness
• Feet of peace
• Shield of faith
• Helmet of salvation
• Pray
Belt of truth. Stand firm with the belt of truth. I love belts, the bolder the buckle the better. If you think back on the decorative and utilitarian part of the belt. The long robes worn in olden days got in the way – this really stuck with me. What gets in the way of truth?
From the bronze age through the 20s and through the second world war, the belt was a place to hold weapons. US military belts are worn snugly at dress events or at inspection so as convey impressions of fitness and discipline. I particular like this because what is the discipline of truth. What is your truth? How is this moment of turmoil, this lost year, this stormy season, this tragedy affecting your ability to know the truth? Ladies how is your belt of truth keeping you together keeping the other draping clothes droopy pants or loud noises keeping you from what is real and honest.
Breastplate of righteousness. I urge you to not get caught up in righteousness please think RIGHT! What does it mean to do the next right thing? The next right thing may not be to speak…it may be to listen.
In ancient Roman days, the breastplate protected the heart and could weigh as much as 70 lbs. Do you feel burdens that weigh more? What burdens are weighing you down in this moment and how are you guarding your heart. KNOW thyself and just like we talked about with Confident women – know who you are. Being made right. Ask a person to be accountable with you? Who is your board of directors and how are you using them?
Feet of peace. Are you walking the path of peace? Evil stirs up wars of disturbance and unrest. Is there an evil haunting you? Are words that someone has said about you haunting you? Are they true? When we are off balance, not centered, we get off the path of peace. How are your feet firmly planted on the path of peace? Are you using words and action that scream evil or love? What does peace look like? Is it not commenting when you really want to? Is it choosing to pick the right battle and save out to win the war?
Shield of faith. Our faith is tested daily. Are we on social media, are we binge watching, are we listening to other’s opinions and not forming our own, what is your shield? What arrows are flying your way ready to penetrate your mind and brain? How are you nurturing your faith? Are you trusting that there is a plan for you? Time = Trust. Are you trusting God, reading his word and surrounding yourself with the right people.
Helmet of salvation. Knowing God’s word will protect your brain. Minding your mind will allow you to continue on your journey to know God and yourself. What are you learning about yourself? Do not conform to the pattern to this world but be transformed by the renewing of your mind.
I want to close with the Starfish symbol of resiliency. My soul purpose is writing the devotional, BE 12, The Energy To Live Your Values, was to remind women we can change the world and that our best selves are needed now more than ever. We need each other and our faith. The starfish became my symbol because as women talked behind my back, as men and women stepped over me for that promotion, as friends decided they didn’t want to be friends, as I lost many of my role models and confidents to death, and so many others, I felt like I had lost a leg. That an appendage had been cut off and I had to figure out how to learn to grow a new one. The starfish is the only creature who actually grows a new leg. If a predator cuts his leg off, a starfish will grow a new one.
THANK YOU!!!!!! May God continue to bless you.
Amy